The Kiss
I had made that decision. But it didn’t even feel like that at the time— a decision— to go to Laura’s on Friday night. Of course, chances of catching ‘the global pandemic’ didn’t necessarily increase that much by going, and by having gone, it didn’t mean I had it. But it was a way to justify my worry, my worry that the second test might come back positive.
I re-thought that kiss that Laura’s boyfriend had given me on the cheek. Both cheeks. Twice. Once when I arrived and once when I left. I knew going in (for the kiss) that I shouldn’t. Or it wasn’t necessarily that— I was aware that it was ‘wrong,’ ‘in these times,’ and that I was a rebel by participating.
But I genuinely didn’t think of it in relation to my upcoming holiday. The one that I didn’t want to go on. The one I didn’t want to go on because "I am fat,” “my fattest since university”— in my head I speak as such. And I hate that I speak, as such— I sound like such a girl. Saying how I’ve put on weight, that I don’t want to be like this anymore, do really well for a week, then slip for a night. My steadfastness of attitude towards the global pandemic had been so overriding that considerations of anything else weren’t considered like, for example, the fact that it could ruin the holiday that I didn’t want to go on. That a positive test could be a reality and that regardless of how much I wanted to fuck the system, the system in this case would fuck me.
I was always noting how little the chances were— that the person before me had touched their mouth, hadn’t sanitised unlike everyone else was doing and touched the exact corner of the screen I was touching AND had the disease without showing any signs of symptoms (self-isolation is practically a given if experiencing symptoms). So truly— what were the chances? So really what were the chances that any of those that I was going to see at Laura’s had it, were seeing me at the time when they were contagious, AND that their kiss on my cheek would reach my mouth before it died or got wiped off.
Anyway, I knew my second test would be negative.
But it could not be.
I mean I had done those things. I had also eaten lunch in Victoria station, in the station, next to others eating their lunch. I had bought plastic packaged containers from M&S, hadn’t sanitised, and though I debated not doing so, had used one of the disposable forks from the dispenser WITH ALL THE OTHER DISPOSABLE FORKS. I had told myself oh just do it Flora, you’ll be fine.
I have been feeling some ailments like groggy head and congestion, a few sneezes and have been very tired. I resisted and resisted and then I did it. I looked up the symptoms of Coronavirus— nasal congestion, headaches, tiredness were all listed. I had that— I had had a stuffy nose, a very congested one, during the night on Friday after Laura’s. I had woken up to blow my nose, which I never do. But I had had a slip, a big one this time, which entailed lots of chocolate— DAIRY— and sugar— SUGAR. So of course I was congested.
I had that— I had had a raging headache since Saturday morning which lasted into the first day of the trip when I took the second test, and now being on the third day, it has lessened into a dull heady feeling. But before departing for the trip on Sunday, I had 1. been drinking basically since the Friday night, 2. continued my sugar spree (which then included some wheat as well), AND 3. only slept for one hour the night before departure, awaiting the delayed results of my first test. And then when I got here, on the trip, I spent two afternoons drinking rum. So of course I had a headache.
Diarrhoea was also listed as a symptom.
I even had that— I had two little spouts/bouts. BUT… I had taken a laxative. Two actually, due to extreme constipation as a result of my doings the days before— it was probably the gluten in Ollie’s gingerbread house from Saturday night.
And if this second test was positive, maybe it would save my life. I would lose the weight— I wouldn’t drink for the next two weeks, I would not be in situations where I could fall into temptation of food, of sugary drinks. I could write that article 'COVID saved my life.’ I hadn’t been like my brother. He wanted to go on this holiday. So he was probably sanitising every 15 minutes and not seeing anyone at all, like the rest of the world.
And then. It was negative.